Interfering mother? Is it ever possible to set boundaries?

6/30/2015
 
Your mum’s driving you nuts! 
She’s SO interfering you can’t stand it.  But you also  rely on her to look after your kids.  In fact, she is the only person you really trust with your kids and  she looks after them a lot.  Truth is you’d be lost without her. But she is also driving you mad.

She is controlling, she is bossy, she criticises your parenting, she criticises the kids.  You don’t like how she behaves.  But you can’t stop her.  Whenever you try, it ends up in a massive row - or a sulk.  


You know you can’t change her.  
And what’s worse, even though you hate how she is with your kids, you recognise that sometimes you do the same. 


You say the same things, you make the same put downs albeit wrapped up in noughties caring language.  You notice yourself being impatient with  them just like she is with you -  criticising them for not being clean and tidy enough,


How do you stop this pattern?

Face it, she’s not going to change.  All you can do is change your reaction to her.  Simple, eh?  Ok, it’s not,  Not when it’s between you and your mum, your annoying, difficult, demanding, mum, whom  you love and you just can’t loosen those apron strings.  


You need better boundaries, you and your mum.  Really firm clear boundaries.  It sounds so simple.   But it’s not that easy.  The two of you have a life time of merged boundaries to undo.  


When babies are born they both bond with and begin the long slow job of separating from their mothers and their mothers begin the long slow job of letting go.  It’s a normal journey that we all go through, and our abilities to bond and separate as mothers, is shaped by our infant experiences.  Something that we had no control over.  So some of us find it easier than others - it all depends on how things were for us.


In many cases, circumstances mean that process gets in a muddle.  Some mums let go too quickly, some mothers, can’t bear to let go as they cling to their infant child as an infant would cling to their mother.  So if your mother had separation issues from her mother, she can’t help herself but over attach herself to you. The boundaries are a muddle and you can’t bear her clinginess - or interfering, but also find it incredibly hard to find a new place to stand and say no..   

The stuck infant part of you fears if you set boundaries either you or your mother won’t survive.  And the stuck infant part of your mother may fear the same.

It's a challenge.  
No wonder so many people go through their lives not healing this most crucial of relationships.

Healing it requires conscious effort.  Some people can figure it out for themselves, others go to psychotherapy or counselling, and others find they need to see the bigger picture. And that’s what where constellations come in. 

We use constellations to   set up your family and observe the wider systemic influences around your family that make it so difficult between you and your mother. So we may see for example that your mother’s mother was distracted by the war, or a tragic loss of an elder sibling - there are no end of reasons that could have caused your grandmother to be unavailable.    And somehow seeing it set up in front of you, with people representing your family members, helps you to really experience something you have known all along, but not really understood.

And somehow through this process of experiencing something you have known all along in a hidden unconscious way,  can liberate you, help you to see your mother in a different light and then you find internally different tools for dealing with her.


Sounds a bit scary?   -  scary thought maybe, but actually more scary to spend most of your life not facing it.

There are techniques or things you can you do at home. Think about what resources are available to you before you deal with your mum.  If you know she is going to tell you you should have painted the bedroom green not blue, talk to friends about it before hand, see if you can find a way to ease the tension before you speak to her.  

Talk to your inner child you and let her know you will protect her from the ravages of your mum.  Tell the frightened infant that you, adult you, will take care of this relationship now.  These techniques should make it a little easier to tackle your mother from a calm and adult perspective. 

And if that isn’t enough, and if you need more resources and kind support to help you set clearer boundaries, come to a workshop.  Come and see others take steps towards their personal power and see if it’s the right thing for you. 


Over to you:

Do you have a mother who is interfering? How do you set clear boundaries with your interfering mother?  Do you do so in a way that enables both of you and your relationship to flourish? I am curious to learn how others deal with this: 



And if you want more, if you want to see how these unconscious patterns arise in people’s families click here to find out more about what happens at a workshop or here to sign up to attend.

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